I was lucky in love until I found out he was cheating. It was at that moment I realized I wasn’t lucky in love at all and had never really been. Maybe I was just hopeful, hopeful in love. But I guess hope is more substantial than luck and maybe that was exactly what I needed after all.
If you’re anything like me, you want to find the perfect guy for you with a bunch of qualities that you value most. The problem, is that whenever you think you’ve almost found a person with these qualities (who knew!) you eventually realize that the idea of kissing them almost nauseating. The reason? You see them more as a friend or even brother (ew!) than a romantic partner.
Yes, we’ve all heard guys complain about the friend zone while other people (usually of the female variety) pat their back “Don’t worry Johnny, there’s still hope!” and while they’re just trying to be supportive of their recently or not-so-recently friend zoned friend, is there really hope?
In my experience, no. We all have those guy friends that are platonic (‘I love you but I’d never kiss you’ friends), but then we have those friends who, admit it ladies, we’ve had a little tiny crush from the beginning regardless of how much we deny it and ignore it and pretend it isn’t there.
I believe that unfortunately for them, the platonic relationships will always remain just that. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with the guy, he’s probably the sweetest guy with the best heart who would treat you like a queen.
The problem is when it comes to intimacy. We all look for different things and are attracted to different qualities in an intimate partner but the fact is, we do have to be sexually attracted to them and this is often something that either exists or doesn’t. This doesn’t just mean physically, but emotionally as well, there has to be some connection between the two of you where you go “wow, he’s sexy”. If you look at him and no matter how hard you try, the physical peace doesn’t interest you, he will most likely be friend zoned permanently.
It sucks. I know you were probably reading this hoping to find some secret that I’ve discovered to getting guys out of the friend zone and let me tell you, I wish I had one for you. I’ve been caught in this crappy situation quite a few times and it’s not fun for me or the other person. I’ve been on dates with some of the sweetest, most caring guys but it didn’t matter because at the end of the night when they lean in for a kiss and you’re either forced to dodge it and explain yourself to his puppy dog eyes or go with the kiss and work to control your gag reflex the entire time, it won’t work out. *Trust me on the gag part, I have been there are my dears, it is not easy to keep that vomit down. Trust.
Another thing that sucks is that you’re going to have to be honest at some point and no, he won’t be happy about it. You’ll be hurting someone you like and care about, but the thing you have to remember is that in the long run, you’re helping him by being honest as soon as possible. The longer you try because you think some mystical connection and sexual fury may hit you one day, the longer you’re keeping him from finding someone who can’t wait to kiss the hell out of him!
In relationships I try not to be selfish and the least selfish thing to do would be to just be honest but of course that’s easier said than done. Just accentuate the good things about him and how much you like him, make sure he knows you care and that you wish there was an intimate attraction but you just don’t see yourself getting there because you care about him too much. Come up with whatever you think he would most appreciate and respect because trust me, if months pass and then he finds out you weren’t attracted to him this whole time and have been lying, you’re more likely to lose not only a date, but a good friend.
Another thing to remember is that you have to be willing to do what he (or she) needs for a while. In order to get over you he may need to have less or no contact with you for a while. You can even suggest this to him and let him know you’re okay with it if that’s what he needs to do. We’ve all had a breakup where the last thing we want to do is look at the other person because we end up being flooded with all the old emotions. Give him some space and time to get over you and re-evaluate his feelings.
Reality is things may never be the same, he may be angry with you or just unable to get over his feelings (feeling desirable yet?) and there’s a chance this won’t be resolved but you owe it to you both to try. Honesty is the best policy….only sometimes of course, but in this case, definitely. Sorry to say it people but there really isn’t any way out but through. I hate to be the bearer of bad news and if someday I discover the secret to this problem I will shout it from the mountain tops OH THE DAY HAS ARRIVED!
For now, it’s just you and your good friend (or awkward disappointing acquaintance) honesty. May the zone of friends be empty as we all get up the courage to just be decent, honest people and move on- never again dreading a gag-worthy kiss!
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your pictures, you’re buying me drinks until you do
A moment of silence please for a box of raisins that could have been wine, and a handsome man who could have been a husband had he not turned out to be a complete psychopath. Life is so full of surprises, isn’t it? Times like these make me sit back , re-download all my “social network” (find myself a perfect man online) apps and get to it…crack open the wine while you’re at it. Online…..Wine…… practically a sign that this is where I’m supposed to be, right? Or am I just kidding myself when I try to sit down to scroll through, swiping left much more often than right and hoping the next man will have at least some personality to go with his somewhat decent looks…. no? Maybe the next one. The struggle is real, but I guess we already knew that when we brought out the wine and the extra big now-it’s-serious glasses.
The best relationship advice I can give you is to make sure you’re the crazy one
Ever been in a conversation over text or messaging and you feel like you’d rather turn off your phone and go sit in the backyard watching grass grow? Maybe I have this problem more that most but I find so many people these days just can’t hold an interesting conversation to save their lives! The following is an example of my most recent text conversation with a guy:
Me: “hey” (If he can’t bother to come up with something a little bit more authentic than just “hey” neither can I)
Him: “What’s up” (not even a question mark? Is this 25 year old man really asking me what’s up? Has he had any luck with this in the past?!) So to see where he’s planning on going with this for interest sake I reply
Me: “Just eating breakfast, had a bit of a sleep in day today so that was awesome! What about you?”
Him: “Just showered ahaha” (As you can imagine, I waited a long while to see if he was going to add something a little more intelligent and conversation provoking than that but… nothing came)
Me: “fun stuff…” (clearly not interested, but amused to see what would come next)
Him: Any plans for the weekend? (UMM DUDE, it’s Wednesday and why would I tell you what I’m doing for the weekend? This is becoming a game of you asking questions, me trying to brighten it up and you being a total loser!)
So naturally I ignored that. Like wtf do you think you’re doing wasting my time like that? I have important stuff to do like get ready for a long day of studying you know… Or maybe go back to bed but that’s not important.
Him: “Or not haha” (Yeah, it’s clearly a NOT, you lame piece of nothing!)
Me: “Just working……. You?” (Clearly trying to make a point that a certain somebody’s game needs to be stepped up here)
Him: “Bye :p” (Ok buddy, you finally get that this isn’t working. Unfortunately you have no clue that the problem is with you and not me)
Ever since that conversation, I’ve found my mood to be quite irritated. Are people seriously so lazy and unimaginative these days that they can’t think of anything more interesting to ask than “what’s up”?? THE SKY IS UP, that’s about it and you aren’t going to get farther than this by talking like an immature 12 year old on MSN. Admit it, we all took part in this dreadful conversational tactic while on our family desktop computers set up in common areas of the house, keeping Google open so we could minimize MSN and still look busy whenever our parents came into the room when we were trying to ask our friends “what’s up”. I understand, we all started off that way but for a man in his mid-twenties to message a woman like that… Why bother?
I guess you could say my standards have gotten higher over the years but hey, if I’m going to end up with a long-term partner one day the last thing I want is to come home after a busy day and be asked what’s up. I don’t know babe, I just got home from 10 hours of work and 2 medical appointments with our kids, do you think you could be a little bit more specific in your line of questioning?
I guess this just raises my chances of becoming a self-loving cat lady. HA this reminds me of that new Justin Bieber song that just came out ‘Love Yourself’. (Not a Belieber by any stretch of the imagination but I will admit that he’s sexy as fuck and got some catchy music, even though he’s got enough attitude for all the teenage girls in his standing room only section).
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find a man who even in casual, light conversations is able to intrigue me, but for now I think it’s best to be straight forward. Some of my friends will hear the way I deal with guys and label it ‘harsh’ however these same people turn to me the next day and tell me I’m the sweetest, most kind-hearted person they’ve ever met. That, is because ‘harsh’ can be achieved without being ‘mean’ and you can see some serious results! I bet you’re wanting proof of this, well here it is.
If someone has started a conversation with me and it’s clearly going nowhere stimulating enough to keep you awake, I hit them with a “Well this is fun… haha” or “Seriously? You couldn’t come up with something more interesting than that? Haha” The ‘haha’ is crucial by the way, takes the edge off just like a big glass of wine. If you think about it, if they take my “this is fun” seriously (and not sarcastically as intended) then you know that they are in fact lame, even your attempt to pick up this conversation has fallen flat and you’re pretty much working with a lifeless corpse at this point. However, if they reply with an “lol” followed by something more interesting than “I don’t know what to talk about” (refer to corpse description) than you might have fixed this conversation. Either way, you’re only stating an opinion, you’ve taken the edge off with a ‘haha’ and you’re seeming like a pretty damn nice person!
Come on people, let’s just be honest with each other, let others know when they’re in serious need of a reassessment of their conversational skills and only spend your time learning from each other in a meaningful way. Unless of course, you happen to be a fan of the “What’s up”, “Nothing much, you” routine.
Lots of people are surprised when they come to me after being asked out or set up for a first date and they want to know what they should talk about or do to weed out weirdos.
“What if there’s an awkward silence and I can’t think of anything to say?”
“What if he seems really great and it turns out he just wants sex?” (Assuming you’re looking for something more than that. If on the other hand you’re looking for the same thing then CONGRATULATIONS, he’ll love that, go at it girlfriend!)
“What if we aren’t looking for the same things but we don’t figure that out until down the road? (Do you not have time to kill with him to find out or is dating for you like shooting fish in the barrel because if so… TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!)
The advice that surprises them is when I tell them to go out on your first date, wait until you’re sitting down or having some serious getting to know each other time and then try to scare the living shit out of him. Yup, I said it. Most people think I’m crazy because they finally got a date and think I’m just the jealous friend who wants them to stay my single buddy forever. I mean, who doesn’t need that friend to call up on a lonely night? “You bring the wine, I’ll bring the Chinese food and make sure you wear your fat-girl sweatpants because I’m not taking mine off for the next year” and you both sit watching He’s Just Not That In to You together.
But no. ‘Scare’ and ‘completely revolt’ are two very different things. I don’t mean to have bad manners and fist-bump upon saying hello. When I say scare, I mean scare him with the truth. And keep in mind, you’re TRYING to scare him, but the keepers can’t be scared off, this I have learned for certain- cross my heart and hope to die. The whole idea of a first date where you sit and talk about your hobbies and what you’re majoring in at school is so superficial to me and to be honest, THAT is what scares me off, I love the deeper stuff. If you’re willing to bring up deeper, more ‘real’ life topics, I salute you and you my dear, will end up with a good egg sooner or later.
If you’re looking for someone with hopes of a possible relationship with the end goal of potential marriage and tiny little screaming kids running around then you’re going to need to know if this is a real possibility for him and something he’s looking for as well. If you’re reading this blog, maybe you have lots of experience or maybe you have virtually none (all are welcome) but one thing that I know we all have in common is that we all know that men don’t always tell the truth. Men have lots of reasons for lying- I won’t get into that now because I’d spend the next 2 years turning it into a novel and as a student, I HAVE NO TIME! But the fact is, men lie. That doesn’t mean they’re bad, women lie too. All I’m saying is that if you are looking for a commitment and are out with someone who just wants sex, there is a good chance that he won’t tell you that.
Guys can usually figure out what the girl wants to hear and most of the time they will say exactly that. Now, there are guys who are straight forward with what they want and chances are they wouldn’t waste their time and money buying you dinner or even coffee if you hadn’t already given them the message that you were willing to do the deed on the first meet up. If, however, you aren’t lucky enough to at least meet someone honest, you’re going to need to take matters into your own hands. Yes, if you ask him about religious views, political party preferences or future goals, you may never hear from him again, but believe it or not this is the point. If someone’s just looking for sex and you aren’t then do you really want to waste your time? He’ll get frustrated he isn’t getting any and eventually he’ll be out of there so you may as well cut him loose right now. BUT if the stars are lined up correctly and you somehow find yourself a great guy, he’ll definitely be calling you back. You have to keep in mind that some guys take longer to open up, especially if you hardly know each other so it’s up to you to judge whether it’s just first date jitters or if he really isn’t feeling you on the kids thing- or even a second date.
You don’t have to jump into this unnaturally either. Feel free to engage in all the superficial chitchat that first dates entail, but if you run out of questions like “so how did you figure out you were good at high school football?” why not dive in to something a little more telling?
If you’re really not confident in your conversational skills or your nerves have gotten the better of you, don’t worry, you can always turn it into a game of 20 questions. I used to think the whole “let’s play 20 questions” was kind of lame, but you’d be surprised how many guys have actually said those exact words to me, either on a date or over the phone or text. I guess guys are suckers for easy conversation starters too. Do your best to avoid questions about favourite colours, animals, plants….. Of course those are great to know… eventually, but if you’re wanting to figure out this guy’s deal right away you’ll probably want to star with something about what religion he grew up with in his family or really anything that you find important for your future relationship. If he seems pretty open and asks you the same kinds of questions, there’s a 99% chance he’s into it and looking for that deeper connection that you’re practically pulling out of him (because yes, you’re just that good). If he seems uncomfortable and follows your questions about the future with questions about your favourite foods… you may be deleting his number from your phone shortly (yay for more storage space!)
Of course, since I can’t be your wing-woman and sit there nudging you along or rolling my eyes if your date turns out to be just as shallow as he seems (even though I’d love to), the judgement is up to you. Is he just shy and you should cut him some slack? Maybe. Is he really looking for something serious after you spent the last 30 minutes discussing last week’s football game (if that’s not your thing)? Probably not. Did he get into the game and make an effort to actually get to know you? Date him. Again.
I know lots of people will be too scared to try to scare him (funny, huh?) but this is a method that has helped me avoid some very bad apples. If you decide to try it, let me know, I’d love to hear feedback!