How to figure out his intentions- On the FIRST date!

Lots of people are surprised when they come to me after being asked out or set up for a first date and they want to know what they should talk about or do to weed out weirdos.

“What if there’s an awkward silence and I can’t think of anything to say?”

“What if he seems really great and it turns out he just wants sex?” (Assuming you’re looking for something more than that. If on the other hand you’re looking for the same thing then CONGRATULATIONS, he’ll love that, go at it girlfriend!)

“What if we aren’t looking for the same things but we don’t figure that out until down the road? (Do you not have time to kill with him to find out or is dating for you like shooting fish in the barrel because if so… TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!)

The advice that surprises them is when I tell them to go out on your first date, wait until you’re sitting down or having some serious getting to know each other time and then try to scare the living shit out of him. Yup, I said it. Most people think I’m crazy because they finally got a date and think I’m just the jealous friend who wants them to stay my single buddy forever. I mean, who doesn’t need that friend to call up on a lonely night? “You bring the wine, I’ll bring the Chinese food and make sure you wear your fat-girl sweatpants because I’m not taking mine off for the next year” and you both sit watching He’s Just Not That In to You together.

But no. ‘Scare’ and ‘completely revolt’ are two very different things. I don’t mean to have bad manners and fist-bump upon saying hello. When I say scare, I mean scare him with the truth. And keep in mind, you’re TRYING to scare him, but the keepers can’t be scared off, this I have learned for certain- cross my heart and hope to die. The whole idea of a first date where you sit and talk about your hobbies and what you’re majoring in at school is so superficial to me and to be honest, THAT is what scares me off, I love the deeper stuff. If you’re willing to bring up deeper, more ‘real’ life topics, I salute you and you my dear, will end up with a good egg sooner or later.

If you’re looking for someone with hopes of a possible relationship with the end goal of potential marriage and tiny little screaming kids running around then you’re going to need to know if this is a real possibility for him and something he’s looking for as well. If you’re reading this blog, maybe you have lots of experience or maybe you have virtually none (all are welcome) but one thing that I know we all have in common is that we all know that men don’t always tell the truth. Men have lots of reasons for lying- I won’t get into that now because I’d spend the next 2 years turning it into a novel and as a student, I HAVE NO TIME! But the fact is, men lie. That doesn’t mean they’re bad, women lie too. All I’m saying is that if you are looking for a commitment and are out with someone who just wants sex, there is a good chance that he won’t tell you that.

Guys can usually figure out what the girl wants to hear and most of the time they will say exactly that. Now, there are guys who are straight forward with what they want and chances are they wouldn’t waste their time and money buying you dinner or even coffee if you hadn’t already given them the message that you were willing to do the deed on the first meet up. If, however, you aren’t lucky enough to at least meet someone honest, you’re going to need to take matters into your own hands. Yes, if you ask him about religious views, political party preferences or future goals, you may never hear from him again, but believe it or not this is the point. If someone’s just looking for sex and you aren’t then do you really want to waste your time? He’ll get frustrated he isn’t getting any and eventually he’ll be out of there so you may as well cut him loose right now. BUT if the stars are lined up correctly and you somehow find yourself a great guy, he’ll definitely be calling you back. You have to keep in mind that some guys take longer to open up, especially if you hardly know each other so it’s up to you to judge whether it’s just first date jitters or if he really isn’t feeling you on the kids thing- or even a second date.

You don’t have to jump into this unnaturally either. Feel free to engage in all the superficial chitchat that first dates entail, but if you run out of questions like “so how did you figure out you were good at high school football?” why not dive in to something a little more telling?

If you’re really not confident in your conversational skills or your nerves have gotten the better of you, don’t worry, you can always turn it into a game of 20 questions. I used to think the whole “let’s play 20 questions” was kind of lame, but you’d be surprised how many guys have actually said those exact words to me, either on a date or over the phone or text. I guess guys are suckers for easy conversation starters too. Do your best to avoid questions about favourite colours, animals, plants….. Of course those are great to know… eventually, but if you’re wanting to figure out this guy’s deal right away you’ll probably want to star with something about what religion he grew up with in his family or really anything that you find important for your future relationship. If he seems pretty open and asks you the same kinds of questions, there’s a 99% chance he’s into it and looking for that deeper connection that you’re practically pulling out of him (because yes, you’re just that good). If he seems uncomfortable and follows your questions about the future with questions about your favourite foods… you may be deleting his number from your phone shortly (yay for more storage space!)

Of course, since I can’t be your wing-woman  and sit there nudging you along or rolling my eyes if your date turns out to be just as shallow as he seems (even though I’d love to), the judgement is up to you. Is he just shy and you should cut him some slack? Maybe. Is he really looking for something serious after you spent the last 30 minutes discussing last week’s football game (if that’s not your thing)? Probably not. Did he get into the game and make an effort to actually get to know you? Date him. Again.

I know lots of people will be too scared to try to scare him (funny, huh?) but this is a method that has helped me avoid some very bad apples. If you decide to try it, let me know, I’d love to hear feedback!

-K

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